Accepting who I am

by Rebecca
(USA)

When I had my first period at the age of fourteen, I thought I was dying. For a whole two days I was in agonizing pain while my family watched from the sidelines not understanding, not taking me seriously, because I must have always given the impression that I made things a bigger deal than they actually were.

For the next six years I had terrible cramping pain. I didn't join track in high school like I wanted to. I would be scolded by my gym teacher when I told her my period was making it hard for me to stand.

When I became sexually active things seemed normal until here and there sex was so unbearable. Even now it's hard to have sex with the man I love and it tears me apart.

At twenty one I finally made the leap to talk to my doctor, who was a terrible doctor and brushed everything I said away. She did a laparoscopy for me and found patches of endometriosis which she burned away. Waking up from the surgery I was screaming in pain. The pain medication they gave me did nothing to help.

For days I couldn't stand on my own or even want to move. My doctor told me I have endometriosis and it's a disease that will never go away. I may never be able to have children, the thought only depresses me.

Eventually I got better after my first surgery and went back to school for my degree. Things seemed to go well for me. Until one Thursday in the winter I had a shooting pain in my right pelvic region. This pain literally made me sit back on the floor and I couldn't get up for a good ten minutes.

Now it's been about ten months since my first laparoscopy and I have found a new doctor who is amazing. The reason for this next surgery is because I have an complex ovarian cyst on my right ovary. It isn't too big, but it can start to grow and cause damage. My doctor wants to make sure the endometriosis isn't overwhelming me either, because the pain I have is constant.

For months I have been depressed over this. I believe that everything happens for a reason and my boyfriend (who supports me and is by me through all of this) says that I must accept who I am with all my flaws. I was mad for a long time, because I did not know what was wrong with me. Now I know and I'm slowly trying to be happy even though my circumstances are unfortunate.

Now with meditation and doing yoga ritually I am slowly pulling myself out of the depression that endometriosis has dragged me into. I know in my heart that someday I will have a child of my own and someday I will not live with this pain.