A prisoner of Endometriosis

by Janal Rogers
(Charleston S.C)

Okay so this is my story. I am 20 years old, this is me, this is the real Janal. Not the always smiling Janal that everyone knows.

In 10th grade I had the worst pain in my ovaries, excruciating pain and I missed so much school. I went to the doctors and found out I had a menstrual disorder, extremely bad period cramp. The pain was so bad I would pass out in my room. I'd even vomit because it was bad.

I continued to miss class and my pain continued to get worse. They wrote me sick note that excused 2 days a month. I went to the doctors and they gave me an ultrasound and said I had ovarian cyst that bust in my ovaries. They gave me a birth control pill which didn't help.

I still continued to be in extreme pain and more ovarian cyst and nothing helped. I then was put on 3 pills a night and I ended up getting bad chest pains which slowed down my breathing. But nothing helped my cramps. I was still in horrible pain and I started missing so much school and getting behind in everything.

I got stress an anxiety really bad because of school and thinking about next months cycle. I was crying every night not being able to get out of bed. I was crying to my mom help me. The pain was so bad that I would vomit and get weak and faint. Pain so bad that I would literally bite on a towel - the doctors then told me I have endometriosis a chronic illness which is not curable.

He told me to have a baby at 17. I was in his office with the option of almost being a surrogate mother or having one of my own because the pain was unbearable but I said no. I can't have kids but that option would fix things. I began getting so depressed just wanting to die.

I was so tried of being strong. The doctors put me on birch control patches and I though that would work. But I started having seizures. A bunch of mini seizures. My pain began worsening, it was so bad I couldn't leave my room and I was failing every class.

At this time my grandma had cancer. I was so sick and I knew I felt my body just slipping away and I didn't want to tell my mom because I knew she was so busy with my grandma. But it hurt so bad. My mom took me back to the doctors. A new one and I was put on every pain killer they're was. 60 Percocet 40 tramadol 30 hydrocodone . I took them around the clock.

I lived with this quote "I’ve lived too long with pain. I won’t know who I am without it.” I lived in my room. I never left my bed. All I had was yoshi and KitKat that's why I'm crazy attached, when my parents would go to work and Corissa would go to school, it was just us for 2 years, and I grew so close and attached they were like my medicine, my security blanket.

They new doctor said lets completely cut out her period that would be the best thing. She gave me a shot the depo, she said I won't have a period for 3 months and for me to watch my weight. I don't care I was willing to try everything. But no - I bled for 6 months straight - half a year. Non stop. I was in the worst pain. Crying and screaming, popping pills (my meds). but sometimes I'd take 2. I didn't gain weight - I dropped like a twig . I got down to 118 my height now. And now I'm 150 I was so sick.

In the middle of all this my blackouts got worse. I was already passing out from the pain but now because I was so weak and so skinny. I'd rather take heavy medicine and knock out than be up in pain. I ended up having low iron - anaemia and hypoglycemia. As if my life couldn't get any worse. I was so nasty so skinny. Every week I had to get pricked with a needle that hurt so bad and they had to draw so much blood from me - as if I wasn't already loosing so much.

One time my mom was calling me and I didn't answer. She found me in my bathroom on the floor passed out because my pain. I wanted to die. Doctors didn't think I would make it. I'd cry in pain every night and just ask god to take me. I would beg him god just take me I'm tired of living like this in constant pain. I'd say why me lord. Why me. There were nights I'd look at all my pills and just want to take them all. To stop everything - my pain my depression everything. I wanted to die but I could never take my life.

The doctors ended up putting me on depression pills because how bad I was. It went from me missing 2 days of school, to a week, to 2 weeks till I dropped out of school. I talked to a psychiatrist and I went in there and said 'you can't help me. You can't cure me, I'm always going to be sick.' I had something no one could cure .

I was told I probably can't have kids. I constantly kept a heating pad on my stomach. I used it so much that it won't even heat up any more. Later on I went to my room, shut the door. I was holding my stomach crying. Praying god why me. I don't do anything wrong. I pray. I'm pure I don't curse. I said god just take me. I was at the point in my life if I was in the road and I saw a car coming I wouldn't move.

I always said I don't want a live. what's the point if it's in chronic pain. I was crying screaming and my mom came in to me trying to pull the cap of my pills. I was so sickly skinny. My eyes were sunken in. But I still tried to smile even tho my life was falling apart. There was no light at the end of my tunnel.

I cut off all my friends. I just stayed in my room and ended up taking a year off from college. I wasn't able to do anything in chronic pain - I went thru hell and back. I was in ER after ER. Tilted uterus. Endometriosis. No cure. I was sickly skinny. I stayed in my bed in fetal position. I didn't eat. My food was my pain killers. I took the same dosage as my sick grandmother with cancer.

Till one night 4:30 am February 9th we got the call. My grandma has passed away. 2 days later I have a dream. I'm in heaven walking up to a nice log cabin with Daisy's in the back, my grandma on the front porch. She comes up to me and said 'Janal don't worry everything will be okay . I love you.' I woke up ran to my mom and told her, and always though she meant everything would be okay with her passing like I will be okay with my grieving. But no.

Ever since then I haven't had any pain. Nowhere near as bad as it was. I can function, I'm not on heavy pain killers, I gained weight and I'm happy now. Yes I still have my months that are bad but nowhere near where it was. This happened just 2 years ago - It's still fresh and still a touchy subject.

I'm balling my eyes out now writing this . I've Been thru so much. My mom still cries if I have a bad month because she lived what I went thru. I don't know if talking about it will help get it out. And that's why I act so distant from people.

Years of my life was stolen from me. It's hard to attach to someone now. I like staying home in my room because that's all I know when years of your life has been stolen. I lost the person I once was before all the pain. I lost the happy outgoing me, and I'm forever searching for her to return. And now I'm getting scared because it's slowly but surely starting to happen again.

I'm 20 years old and I just had to quit my job because my pain is coming back I don't know what to do anymore I feel so lost.